THE ISRAELI WEDDING (CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED)

“I've been to a marvellous party! We didn't start dinner ‘till ten.” -Noel Coward

In a Jewish state, you might think that the Jewish wedding has been perfected. A reasonable theory- you would be right, of course. And yet wrong. Horribly, terribly, wrong. Let’s look at the prevailing stereotypes about the Israeli wedding.

True or False: Israelis are so impatient that they don’t even sit down at the ceremony. “Israeli wedding ceremonies don’t usually have chairs…they wouldn’t know what do with them.”
Answer: True. For a crowd of 300, there were about 40 chairs, which served the purpose of making the crowd spread out. Everyone stood anyway, excluding a few pregnant people. Nobody stood up for the bride- they were already standing. At the end of the ceremony, the crowd rushed the chuppah like the victory celebration of a soccer tournament.

True or False: Wedding invitations in Israel are now sent by e-mail.
Answer: True. Asking if they would like “cream chiffon paper with gloss crimson ink and a double silk envelope” will make an Israeli couple ask you if you are some weird kind of Christian.

True or False: The bridal couple will often pick strange, bizarre music with which to walk down the aisle.
Answer: True. Kinda-sorta. Falsey. Oh, I don’t know. We heard Muppet music, something that must have been porky pig, and a few other weird things, but the moment the bride showed up, it was “Erev Shel Shoshanim.”

True or False: Israeli weddings never take place in a synagogue.
Answer: True. Israeli Synagogues are more modest affairs than their North American or UK counterparts, so there isn’t room for them anyway. Masada is a more likely venue for an Israeli wedding. than Congregation Moreshet Avraham. Dedicated wedding venues are very popular these days, like the one we went to. Thier motto: "Itzrubal- It's true love." No, that makes no sense to me either.

True or False: Israeli Weddings are incredibly informal.
Answer: True. At this wedding, the only person wearing a tie was a black-hat American. Plenty of people were wearing jeans. There were no suits. There were also no sandals, but after all, it is November, and it is a chilly (for Israelis) 14° Celsius outside. The groom wore a jacket- until after the chuppah, when the jacket sublimated and his shirt was of course, untucked. The mothers of the bride and groom were the only ones besides the bride wearing formal dresses. At least a few guys were wearing t-shirts. I don’t think there’s ever been a tuxedo at an Israeli wedding. In the 1950’s, Israelis were too poor. In the 2000’s, wearing a tux will provoke the following reaction: “James Bond! Boom-boom, shoot-shoot, keyn? Yallah, Bye.”

True or False: The influence of Americans on Israel is now being felt in the weddings.
Answer: False. Israeli weddings are more Euro than ever. People dance the electric slide to trance/techno music.

True or False: People dance with Sparklers.
Answer: True. I’m Sorry.

True or False: Israelis all speak Hebrew and know the bible, so secular weddings in Israel have more Jewish content than secular weddings in Canada or the U.S.
Answer: False. All the halachic aspects of this wedding were done out of sight, excluding the chuppah, the total time of which took no more than 3 minutes and 58 seconds. In fact, the wedding we went to was quite an anomaly. The bride had gone to a TALI high school, which is an innovation of the Masorti movement. Unlike secular schools that no longer teach Tanach (Hebrew Bible) or religious schools that teach there is only one way to practice Judaism, the TALI schools provide Jewish literacy without compulsion.

Usually, secular weddings have no religious content. Considering how hot the dance floor got (the mechitza came down after a good round of "chassid dances"- check the photo), it was amazing there was a ceremony at all. Israeli society is very polarized, and most Israelis are led to believe its all or nothing; you are either religious or secular. The bride was courageous for demanding the Chuppah, Ketubah, etc, alongside the DJ’s playing Tom Jones’s “Sex Bomb.” Cleary, more of the guests were more comfortable with the latter than the former. Not me though- I think that song is an abomination and the DJ should be flogged with last week's Ha'aretz newspapers until he cries.

True or False: Israelis go all-out for weddings in terms of bread and circuses.
Answer: True- when your parents don’t have to shell out 10 grand for a Bat Mitzvah, they have a lot more than that to throw at your wedding. Life in Israel is often laced with tragedy, and there is a live for the moment attitude that can be found across the spectrum. Hence parents that may get a second mortgage to pay for the wedding.

True or False: Israeli weddings start late and can go on into the dawn, where the staff brings guests breakfast.
Answer: True, although my friend Y swears that at his wedding, he will kick us all out long before it gets that late. While that’s reassuring, I’m almost disappointed…

True or False: Israeli weddings have incredible food.
Answer. True, oh dear sweet God almighty is this true.

A SHORT GUIDE TO EATING AT AN ISRAELI WEDDING

• Step one: Arrive. Eat Appetizers.
• Step two: Greet Bride and Groom. Eat other appetizers
• Step three: Get a drink from the bar. Eat some other appetizers. Repeat.
• Step four: Pause for the ceremony. Do not eat.
• Step five: Go to table. Eat .
• Step six: Dance. Eat. Dance. Eat formal appetizer. Sit. Feel Queasy. Dance. Eat the main course.
• Step seven: Dance. Fight the crowd so you can eat dessert.
• Step eight: Go home. Eat nothing for 36 hours.

And yes, all the food is Kosher (to those who complain about kosher food as lacking in any way, bite me. )
Let’s review the food at this wedding…
Upon entering there was a salad station. And a carving station where whole roasts were being consumed. And an open bar. And a stir fry noodle station. And a kebab/skewer station. All this was before we even got to the table.

At the table, there were 8 kinds of drinks, 9 salads and small plates (fried cauliflower, roasted eggplant, cabbage salad,) rolls, baba-ganouj, and of course, hummous. After that came a choice of formal appetizer- puff pastry stuffed with mushrooms and liver OR a thick tortilla stuffed with ground beef and topped off with a Mexican-ish tomato sauce. Then came the main course- your choice of steak or Cornish hen, which was accompanied by large bowls of rice, potato wedges, green beans with sun-dried tomatoes, a dinner salad, eggplant and other sides. Along side this was served large flatbreads with kefta (ground meat kabobs) and vegetables.

For those who remained conscious, a desert buffet awaited, which was consumed by a swarm that ate faster than the Locusts ate the produce of Egypt- although now I know what that plague must have looked like, minus all the buzzing.


All wonderfully strange and just plane strange things aside, it was an amazing time.
The bride was lovely- she never looked better. The groom was a champion among good hosts, and quite a dancer. The parents were kind and warm to all. To all the bridal party, especially M and Y, our prayers for long healthy years and much joy.

And to the catering staff- I think I’m in love. Call me?

They call me MISTER Neshek.

This post is for those of you who have been saying "Where's the funny?"
Enjoy.

Before we begin, a note about neckties and the term "Adoni". Both are rarely used by anyone in this country. "Adoni", meaning "sir" is usually used only by people wanting money from you. If someone on the street says "Adoni" (not to be confused with Adonai, a name of God), you check to make sure your money is secure in your wallet. Occasionally it may be used by waitresses or the Israeli version of secret service. And the only people whom I have ever seen wearing ties are- well- a few of the more prominent Orthodox Jews and the Israeli secret service guys. Once I saw a guy on duty in front of the P.M.'s house a few weeks back. He was wearing a rather spiffy purple tie, so I smiled and said "Anivah Yaffa"- Nice tie. His reply to me was ""Yesh Le’cha Neshek?" Which brings us to our main subject.

Security checks are obviously part of life in Israel, and the corridor outside the PM's house is no exception. Be it entering Balfour street or entering a Mizrachi Restaurant, the question is always the same. "Yesh Le’cha Neshek?"- do you have a gun? "Neshek" can refer to many weapons, and there are specific words in Hebrew for rifle and pistol. Neshek is an umbrella term, and while Israelis are better armed than Americans, they also are more particular about permits and who can bring what weapon where. So people get stopped from time to time by security, be it at the supermarket or the mall, with the question "Yesh Le’cha Neshek?" A quick reply of "Lo" or "Ain Li" is all you have to say to say you are unarmed.

I wondered why I was getting asked a bit more than some of my friends. Was it that I was in a rush? I took my time as I came up to the guard one morning. "Yesh Le’chaNeshek?" he asked.

The sunglasses- maybe that makes me look like I could have a weapon on me. I entered with the sunglasses in their case. "Yesh Le’chaNeshek?" came the question.

Maybe it was the hair, or the clothes. I dressed as plain as possible and with a simple hat over my hair. "Yesh Le’chaNeshek?" asked the female security agent.

Its not how you look, or if you are rushing, and it does not matter if you are alone or with a group. Many nights, I exchange a friendly nod with one of the well armed guards and I go on my way without a word said. Lately, I have not been asked by anyone- not at the mall or anywhere else. Its kind of refreshing. I was getting used to not being asked. I started wishing the guards a "boker tov" or a "erev tov." I wondered "is this what it feels like to be a Yerushalmi (Jerusalemite)?"

Sunday morning I entered Balfour street and after about 20 seconds, saw a guard on the other side of the street. "Boker Tov!" I shouted to him.

He smiled and promptly shouted back "NESHEK?"

I no longer wonder what it feels like to be a Yerushalmi.



photo- Rainy Day in J'lem.

"We sell forbidden objects from places men fear to tread. We also sell frozen yogurt, which I call 'Frogurt!' "

If you read friday's post, you'll see I predicted a dire day, but other events prevented us from having to see if the confrontation between the marchers and the Haredim led to bloodshed. And there would have been bloodshed: one Haredi teen had sacks of road spikes, which can slow a parade float- or cause it to loose control. Other teens were found with weapons of various sorts, includidng brass knuckles and one loaded pistol. But the conflict did not happen.

Sadly, what it took was the errant shell lauched by IDF artillery that took the lives of 20 Palestinians as they rested in thier homes. This horrible accident has triggered a wave of security alerts, and there was not the thousands of police needed to keep brother from attacking brother here in Jerusalem. So the parade was turned into a rally and the Haredim turned towards home and towards a shabbat of prayer, as is fitting.

The outcome, it seems to me, is worse for the members of the ultra-Orthodox world; even those communitites that thought no reaction was best, such as the Ger community, must now deal with explaining sexuality- and homosexuality to the children who are now asking about why people were so angry. The Haredi community must now also come to terms with the number of students who rushed towards violence and vandalism- and away from Torah Study.

And to what should be the shame of Jews in the United States, yeshiva students from the USA were found to be participating in the violence. Students sent to learn at yeshivot as prestigious as Mir were being sent out to burn and riot with impunity- see the section titled "Enjoying every minute" in this article for the distubing interviews.

The parade never happened- and there will be, in time, another parade. The steps must be taken now to make sure there is dialogue between the Haredim and those they find so abhorrent. The burden is thiers, and if they refuse to meet this challenge, then Jerusalem must take steps to do more than send riot police to be targets. If the Haredi leaders let thier young men embrace hatred again next year and do not hold them accountable to the laws of the Torah, Jerusalem must be ready to hold those who would burn her homes and streets accountable under the Laws of the State of Israel.

Felafel with a side of Pulsa D'nura

Hey! Have you heard about Pulsa D’nura? No, its not a new skin cream, and its not a waterpark here in Israel- it’s a death curse. I didn’t know that you needed anything special in Aramaic; “I hope you die” seems to be enough of a curse. But there are people who claim to be representatives of Jerusalem’s ultra-Orthodox community who may have cast it against A.G. Shaul Mofaz for ordering the Jerusalem Police to allow the Gay Pride parade to go on. In addition, an interview with Israeli Army Radio quoted one Rabbi Samuel Papenheim who stated “The Rabbinical Court has held a special session and discussed placing a ‘pulsa denura’ on those who have had a hand in organizing the march.” But more about that in a second.

The lack of fresh blogs is from the “six week slump.” This is long stretch where winter begins, daylight vanishes, and routine goes from being a comfort to, well, a pain in the ass. There is a monotony to the days, even for those of us learning Torah. In Talmud, Sugya follows Sugya, page follows page, and other classes are no different from one day to the next, or so it feels. It is great to be making progress in the book of the Bible you are studying, or to move ahead in a book of midrash, but with nothing on the schedule until Hannukah, it’s a bit gloomy. You can get to feel like you just do the same thing each day, and not much is going on. Some schools have long trips schedualed to break up these grey weeks- mine does not.

Of course, this is just inside school. Inside the Bet Midrash, and in most parts of Jerusalem, you would never know about the vandalism and riot police. It is all to easy to ignore that portion of the ultra-Orthodox community that is bursting with violence due to the “Mitzad Ga’avah,” the gay pride parade. It should be known that the route does not enter any Charedi neighborhoods. For those of you who need stereotypes, that means hundreds of gay men will not be invading the small shops of Gilulah asking if there are talitot “in something besides black on white,” nor will, as far as I can tell, there be a wave of lesbians shopping for phylacteries .

In all seriousness, the parade route has been moved far from the ultra-Orthodox areas to the governmental district. But last year’s parade was marred when Yishai Schlissel, stabbed three parade participants (he is now serving 12 years), and the attack is still on everyone’s mind. The nights of rioting do not lead anyone here to think that things will be more calm this year. And there will be no discussion or encounters between these two groups aside from the parade, which is all the more sad when each night we see how the violence has escalated. Dialogue is what is needed here; when there is no dialogue, zealots gain control. And the zealots are the ones who murdered the citizens of Jerusalem and set fire to the food stores in Roman days; we can expect similar behavior from their spiritual inheritors.

Far too many Charedi Yeshiva and Kollel students between the ages of 18 and 25 are not immersed in Torah study at night, and instead they are acting as if they are on spring break, overturning cars and setting fires, hurling all manner of dangerous debris at police. The ultra-Orthodox leaders of these communities say they have no power over the rioters; this is of course untrue. The teachers of these young men are neglecting their duty. They could take attendance at Yeshiva and cut off stipends to those who are not in shiur each night, or they could place people in cherem (yes, excommunication would send a clear message). There are tools that can be used to clear the streets that are far more effective than the water cannon of the riot police.

Sadly, the reaction of these communities has been a long time in the making; when the street signs in Mea Shearim proclaim “Don’t let Jerusalem become an Ir Hanidachat!” three weeks before the parade, religious leaders are letting hatred ferment into violence when they remain silence. This is because the Ir Hanidachat is a town that must be destroyed- along with every living soul in it- because all the residents have turned to idolatry. It is never to be rebuilt. Using such a concept in a street poster is rhetoric of the worst kind, set to drive a pious Jew on edge. The posters are based on the fact that most of the citizens who see this will be so upset they will forget that:

• Whatever the Torah may say about homosexuality, Idolatry is a different issue;
• The Talmud says that there never was such a city, and there never will be (Sanhedrin 71a), as the law exists only to be studied for the sake of Torah Study;
• The Talmud (Bavli Baba Kama82b) cites that the commandment to wipe out a city turned to Idolatry is only applicable to “your cities.” Jerusalem can never become an Ir Hanidachat, for Jerusalem is the property of God and not of any of the tribes of Israel.
• That Gay and Lesbian Jews can be spoken to, that they are human beings who have fears and joys, dreams and needs, that they are people who study Torah and work for the betterment of their fellow Jew.

When all these things are forgotten from weeks of propaganda in Yiddish and Hebrew, there can be no doubt as to the effect. So how is encouraging Jew to hate Jew any different than the Arab governments’ anti-Semitism, which is used to distract those without power from the actions of those with it? Someone is putting these posters up, and it is not the pride parade organizers. Three weeks ago, most Charedim had never even thought about homosexual Jews. Now, hated of homosexuals is consuming their community. There are so many more serious threats to Israel and the Charedi community, yet this is now their sole focus, to the point of setting their own streets on fire.

I think of the generous and Torah-true souls I have met in the Charedi world who have shown me courtesy far beyond what I merit- I apologize to them for even the remote possibility that I could be seen as including them alongside those who have let hatred rob them of their Torah. Alas that these fine souls who have taught me so much are not leaders of the charedi communities here.

Friday will bring what I fear will be a day of Yei’ush (despair) for Jerusalem- cruelty, violence, and (God forbid) bloodshed will mark the day. I hope to be proved wrong, but I fear for this city, which once again has become a battleground.

Take your son, the one you love, Yitzhak.

Tonight there was a televised memorial for Yizchak Rabin. With his assassin Yigal Amir in the news so much lately here (Amir won conjugal rights with his wife so that they can have children together), it was wonderful to see time dedicated to Rabin. It was not only a wonderful memorial for a decent man, but a window into the Israel soul. Here are some of the things you would have seen if you had watched with us.

• A chorus of the most average people looking you can imagine, yet voices and harmony of professional caliber.

• Simple accompaniment- piano, a few strings, drums, bass. Simple 3 camera coverage- no computer graphics, no complex lighting. A simple stage with a few decorations and a picture of Rabin.

• The occasional microphone too loud.

• In the audience and on stage, dress that is informal, even thought this is a televised memorial service.

• A simple arrangement of red flowers and a lone memorial candle.

• The head of the navy (does Israel have admirals?), sitting with his arm around his wife, both swaying in their seats to the song.

• The Audience full of the most important faces in Israel society – not the Paris Hiltons of Israel, , but soldiers, families, and poets.

• One man asleep next to his wife. A solider asleep next to his friend.

• Generals of the highest ranks, and near them young paratroopers and air force officers, and trainees of no rank at all.

• A family of children and grandchildren sit to remember their grandfather.

• Dan Chalutz, the Ramtka”l gives a formal speech on behalf of the IDF. After the formal speech, he leans forward towards the family- he said it was his honor to stand and speak to them.

• Almost everyone knows the words to each song. Some are crying, Others are holding back the tears.

• People of every age, and of many colors


• The official Army Chorus, each one of the young men and women talented and charismatic enough to be superstar in their own right.

• Rabin’s daughter spoke of his dreams- and how he loved to sing. It was moving, it was sad, and it lasted no more than 45 seconds.

• The closing song: “Shir L’shalom,” the song Rabin had sung just a few minutes before his death (he died with the lyrics on him) – this time an arrangement that went from blues to disco with soldiers dancing in the wings.

This was not a slick Hollywood production; only the most basic of elements went into the memorial. There was a simple large photo of Rabin, a few musicians from the IDF, and a few flags. If not for the quality of the music and participants, it could have been confused for a high school assembly. The voices and the tears, however, make clear that this is something remarkable. It was intrinsically Israeli in its informality- and in the tears shed as people sang along to songs about wars past and hopes for peace. It was a wonderful act of memory. And we need to remember.

We need to remember that Rabin was murdered by many men and women. Only one of them was imprisoned.

Each called him a traitor, and hid their hatred and cowardice behind words of Torah and Halacha. They called for his death and we did nothing. For the sake of the Holy Torah alone we should have acted then and called them out to shame and catcalls, letting them know that they shamed the Torah and the name of God by justifying murder. For if the Sanhedrins of our greatest sages found one execution in a lifetime one too many, how did these people have the wisdom to know who was worthy of death and who was worthy of life? How did we let them sit on the throne of Judgment in place of the Omnipresent One? Because they were heads of communities and Roshei Yeshiva, people of wealth and people of power, and we did not raise our voices against them.

May God bring comfort to the family of Yitzchak Rabin. He was a decent man, our grandfather, our friend, and a liberator of Jerusalem. Rabin was murdered by many men and women. Only one of them was imprisoned and we let the rest of his murderers go free. May God bring comfort to the family of Yitzchak Rabin, but may God also bring Judgment to his murderers, who sit even today in smug self-satisfaction, pleased with his death.